I have this sick obsession with infomercials. It started in the early 90’s with that Cosby sweater clad Mike Levy on “Amazing Discoveries”. Don’t act like you didn’t watch it. It was ratings GOLD! I mean this guy would act like he’s never seen a hair roller before, then fumble around like an idiot with the “old school” ones, then act like he’s Vidal Sassoon himself with the fancy steam rollers! (And side note, I totally bought those rollers!)
It’s hard to find those old Amazing Discoveries videos on youtube, and most are in Swedish as the Swedes love them some infomercials. Thank God for Billy Mays (may he rest in peace). He single handedly brought back infomercials to forefront of pop culture. From Oxy Clean to Mighty Putty, he once again showed us that cleaning the old fashioned way was cumbersome and messy. Showcasing people of all ages struggling with such mundane tasks as using glue. I learned a lot from informericals over the years and I want to share some of those things with you.
1. Americans are idiots and we can’t even use a knife properly. Thank you informercials for showing me Miracle Blades! Never again do I have to say, “Why is my knife not slicing a soda can and then a ripe tomato?” Now it can!
2. Everyone hates stains. There are products to get stains out of clothes, out of carpet, off of wood, off your car, of your grass, cement, the list goes on and on. We hate stains and have pouty faces when trying to clean them with ordinary cleaners. BUT! You don’t have to stay pouty forever! Enter Oxy-Whatever. By simply adding oxygen to any cleaning product, or even just the letters “Oxy” we can clean better and smile doing so.
3. Onions are the Devil. Yep, you try to slice one without crying. My single favorite infomercial product ever? The Vidalia Chop Wizard. Hells to the yeah. Tear free chopping. I seriously use this thing every.single.day.
4. People who love infomercials can be gullible. See #3.
5. If you act enthusiastic and say WOW! with everything, you can trick people into thinking you are perky and awesome. Try it. Next time you have a parent-teacher conference, say to the teacher, “I know Johnny is getting C’s and is disrupting class, but WOW! He really knows how to eat his lunch!” Right?! Instantly sounds better.
“WOW! This blog post is freaking awesome!” Is what you might be thinking right now. Or not. Really I just love infomercials and wanted to share my love of them with all of you. Now I’m off to go buy some Wen hair products and some steps for the dog we don’t have to get into our bed.