Why I Hate Nature

If any of you know me, you know I have a zoo in my backyard. I hate nature, and nature gets back at me by filling my days with foxes crapping in our prairie dog holes (can’t blame them there!), muskrats committing suicide in our yard and now, swallows building and rebuilding their house directly above my front door, perfect for bird poop bombs on the heads of anyone who wants to visit us.

Where the birds nest was (post knock-down #1)

Bird Crap Bombs on our doorstep

So, DH and I took a giant outdoor lightbulb changer-jobbie (technical term) and knocked the nest down. I had left it up there for 3 months, and just apologized for anyone who happened to get shit on when they came to visit. I was afraid there were babies in there since we found a broken egg soon after discovering the nest. Once I was sure I wasn’t going to kill anyones babies, I knocked that fusucker down.

Empty. And quite the nest! Built with mud, sticks, hair and feathers from other birds/owls. Pretty amazing for a pair of annoying swallows who enjoy crapping on humans!

I relocated the nest over onto a safe area on our retaining wall near trees. Gave them a lovely view of the plains, our trees, the prairie dog holes and they can even see DIA (the denver airport) from there! I thought they’d be thrilled. Nope! They have ignored that nest and rebuilt a new one in just 3 days! Fast little crappers! So I did what any hater lover of nature would do. Knocked that sucker down! Again! HA! Take that you shitting swallows! But they have since upped the ante. They are building yet ANOTHER nest in the same damn spot. Now when I get close to them with my giant yellow bird-nest-knocker-downer, they chirp wildly at me and dive bomb my head. I think I’ve gone and pissed off the natives. Probably not smart when my weapon is a metal pole and theirs is virus filled excrement.

Shit. Literally.

Stay tuned… (And a post explaining the foxes who crap in prairie dog holes – with pics! – to come soon as well)

Emily

Fueled by coffee and wine. Wife to a doc, mom to three boys (one with Autism), self-proclaimed tortoise wrangler. I knit, I get crafty, I tweet.

Comments

  1. Sarah says

    I think once you touch the nest the birds smell the human scent and never want to return. Maybe you can hang an owl in front of your house!!!!

Trackbacks

Leave a Reply