All of my life I’ve battled anxiety and depression. Highs and lows. Good days and bad. My life was in a rut recently. My depression was kicking my ass. I’m a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend… I have 3 boys: a moody teenager, a talkative tween and an 8 year old with autism. I have a good life. I have a nice house, a job that allows me to travel, friends who invite me out… but something has felt off. Broken. I don’t know who I am. I’m all of these things to other people, but who am I to myself?
I’ve always loved music. I love a good beat. Drums. Guitar. Sometimes I connect to the feeling of a song. To the lyrics. To the energy. Music has become a therapy of sorts. I have playlists for good moods, for working, for sad days, just about everything. My kids know to tap me on my shoulder to get my attention vs. saying “mom. mom. mom. MOM” over and over because 9 times out of 10, I have headphones on.
This inspired my latest tattoo. I wanted something with music. In my search for various tattoos other people have had done, one design struck me. It kind of hit me upside the head in fact.
I have other tattoos. Each has a very deep meaning for me. Minus maybe the “I turned 21 so I’m getting a rose on my hip.” But even that has meaning. Rose is my middle name.
On my left wrist is a puzzle piece with a heart inside. This one symbolizes my son and autism and my love for him.
On my right wrist is a semicolon. ; That symbolizes my battle with depression and anxiety and the dark road I had to take to get me where I am today. I chose to continue my life; not end it. Much like a writer chooses to continue their thought; not end it.
So my endless search of tattoos lately had me focused on music. Notes behind my ear? Maybe a portion of a song that means something very special to me. Maybe it’s about someone else. Maybe it’s about me. Maybe it’s about my struggles. I had two songs I wanted to immortalize but couldn’t decide. Something was stopping me. I hadn’t found the perfect symbol for what I’m going through yet.
Then, all of a sudden. There it was. A dandelion puff that had the seeds turning into music notes, drifting away. Instantly my mind started spinning. Thinking. Overthinking. I shared with a few friends what I decided on. I wrote a really quick explanation:
“The dandelion meaning… Seems plain. A weed. Overlooked. Ignored or unwanted. Then when it gets it’s puff, you feel young again and want to blow on it. Breathing life back in. Turning it into something magical. If for just a moment.”
That’s me. Feeling unwanted, ordinary, annoying like a weed. But then music came along and changed all of that. It’s breathed new life into me. Making me, well, me again.
I’m not even sure where this design came from, or if it will be anything like the actual tattoo I’m getting in a couple weeks. I went so far down the google rabbit hole I haven’t been able to find the source (so if you recognize it, please comment below so I can give proper credit to the artist).
I’ll update this post one the tattoo has been done. You can follow me on Instagram (@ColoradoMom) to be the first to see it. Mid May is my appointment.
Nameste and all that jazz.
Update: Here is the new tattoo! Kevin Leary from Great Lakes Tattoo is AMAZING!